Poop

I have decided that if you are a mother with a blog spot and there isn't one about poop that you can't be legit. Here is the email I sent to my husband this afternoon:

Some days I look at the clock and wonder where the entire day went when there is no evidence that I have done anything. Then...I look at the last hour. Here are the details:

2:01 Pull into the driveway after being gone half the day to a doctor's appointment. Mackenzie fell asleep right at the entrance to our neighborhood. Can't understand why. She woke me up at 5:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Pray to God that she stays sleeping while I carry her in.

2:02 Out of the car carrying load one...stuff. The diaper bag. Toys for Mackenzie. The remnants of our nutritious Sonic lunch. Open the house door, turn off the alarm and set all the stuff in the house. Go into our bedroom and take the pillows off the bed so I will have someplace to lay the, hopefully, sleeping child.

2:05 Back to the car to get load two...Mackenzie. Thankfully, she stays asleep when I lay her on the bed. Out to the living room to get a blanket.

2:07 Back to the car to get load three...Natalie. She was sleeping and now gives me the biggest toothless grin. Of course she isn't going to stay asleep too. That would be too lucky! I get her in the house and take her out of the car seat. We go upstairs to check emails. I lay her on the play mat and get one email typed (to you). Then, she starts screaming so I pick her up and try to comfort her. That only works for a short time.

2:25 I give up trying to calm Natalie down by holding her and give her the boob. It works only briefly and she is still fussing.

2:32 Take Natalie into the bedroom to see if I can rock her to sleep. Hmmmm. This seems to be working. She is almost asleep. If I am lucky, I can take a quick nap too. Perhaps I can add a few minutes to the big 5 hours of sleep I got last night.

2:40 Out of this little body comes this horrific fart. She gets this from her father. It even scares the cat. So much for sleep because she just loaded her diaper. I put her on the bed and change it.

2:45 Back in the rocking chair.

2:55 She is almost asleep so I get up and put her in the crib. I just about make it to the door and she squeals. I stop in my tracks. Then...another horrific fart and another full diaper.

2:56 Since she is already in the crib, I decide to change her there. I can't believe how much poop this little child can emit. Unbelievable! I put another diaper under her....

2:58 UGH! GROSS! DISGUSTING! She PROJECTILE pooped while I had her legs up tryig to wipe her! Across the crib and onto the floor. How is that even possible? There is now a yellow, mustard like substance all over the crib. On the white overlay, the sheet underneath, the mattress pad and the crib bumper. I try to get her wiped on the only few inches of the sheet remaining without poop. I put her on the bed to go fetch another diaper (the new one was ruined too) and pray that she doesn't go again while I am getting it.

3:10 She is now in a clean diaper with her pants on. I totally strip the crib while she watches me. Her thumb is in her mouth and she is cooing. I just know this is her way of laughing at me.

3:15 I am on the floor now cleaning up more poop and thanking God that somehow she missed me even though I was in the direct line of fire. And then I hear it...

3:16 Another horrific fart. Another full diaper. I look around the room and wonder if I am on that new television show that is similar to Candid Camera. Someone is having a great laugh at my expense. I am sure of it.

3:18 We are now on diaper #4 in less than an hour. Now, Natalie is WIDE awake. No afternoon nap for her...or me and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I am so tired they are burning.

3:23 Begin typing an email to hubby and father of the incredible pooping child.